I suppose I will start afresh. As I sit here in my sleep deprived state, it has become normal for me. I do not even track how much sleep I get because it is too much work and I really do not see how it matters. After all, the simple reality remains that parenthood is work and work means going without sleep. Especially when the job is 24/7, always on call, and no vacations. I find that getting less sleep clouds my mind. I can think enough to feed and care for my baby, enough to love him and play with him; but when it comes to remembering much of anything, it is not possible. My mind is simply too full of the things that matter at the present moment-like making sure baby is alright and taking care of him and myself. By this I mean nothing fancy: simply eating, sleeping, bathing and such important and basic things.
I am grateful for baby smiles and singing. I am grateful for food, shelter, and enough rest that I feel like I can make it through the day. I see the seasons passing before me. They have never passed so slow or so quickly. Quickly--because the long, dark months passed more quickly then I ever imagined--but also because some days seem so long. I guess that happens when suddenly you are thinking in 24 hour periods instead of 12 or less--when suddenly night is no longer a period of rest, but a time broken up by a small person who needs you. For better or worse, my little man wont take a bottle so sharing the nighttime feedings with dad is not an option.. My husband gets up to help though. He changes diapers and holds him to give my tired arms a rest. I am amazed he does it. I suppose in part it is so he can have more of a bond with him. In sharing in the responsibilities, I give him a chance for this bond. He cannot feed our son at his breast, but he can hold him and comfort him. He can laugh with him and talk with him. I think this helps because he can feel a part of this special experience--it is such a fleeting time and experience. A year. So much happens in just one year. They grow up fast. They no longer need so much or their needs change. Those nights of holding a baby will end. There comes a time when they sleep longer and need that help less. They become mobile and may want to be held less. I am learning to enjoy the moments--if that means waking to smile into my baby's eyes or to cuddle, I need to enjoy those moments. He will soon pass out of them. A year. In a year so much will have passed. His first year of life is full of beginnings, but so he becomes larger and stronger. He begins to do new things. Enjoy the moment. That is what I am learning. Enough to experience the wonder of this little miracle in my charge. Enjoy where he is at and what he is learning. He will reach those future stages soon enough and then I am sure I will wish back all those snuggles, and maybe even those sleepless nights. I will wish for those times when he was so small I could hold him in my arms as he slept. I will wish for those times. So I need to enjoy now. I may be sleep deprived but I can take it with joy, knowing that this is just a stage of life and knowing I can find the joy and wonder in it.
